


Maybe your reflection shows you screaming out for help

by bitchpleaseitsonedirection



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Bulimia, Cake - bromance, Fluff, I Tried, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M, Pansexual Character, Self-Hatred, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 16:06:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2031348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitchpleaseitsonedirection/pseuds/bitchpleaseitsonedirection
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my chance, this is my only chance to change something, do I take it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe your reflection shows you screaming out for help

**Author's Note:**

> I was bored and in a sad mood so I made this, it's really bad sorry.

It became a habit for me, lying in bed or in my bunk, thinking about what people think of me.  
Just like now, in my bunk, my legs curled in, my hands clawing at the fat on my tummy and silent tears streaming down my face, thinking about how fat and ugly I am.

The boys are in the back of the bus, probably playing some games. Not knowing that I'm in my bunk dying from self-hatred. I really hate myself, my ugly voice, my gross face, my stupid height and my fat body, I'm just so ugly. The boys probably only want me in the band, because they pity me. They just think I'm some pathetic kid, they probably hate me too.

I let out a sob at that thought. It hurts me to think that, but it's probably true. They hate me. Nobody would ever love someone who looks like me. My brothers are hot and then you have me, an ugly pathetic boy who no one loves. 

I sit up and wipe my eyes trying to stop the tears. I open the camera on my phone and look at myself, my eyes are puffy and red and my cheeks are glistening from the tears. My phone trills in my hand and I see that I have a message from Ashton.

Ash: U wanna come play videogames? We miss you Lukey:( xx

I smile, but it's gone as soon as it came. Of course they don't want you, they're just trying to mess with you. I throw my phone to the other side of the bunk and grab my hair in my hands. Fuck I'm such a worthless piece of shit. I can't even be a good friend. What is wrong with me? Wait I know the answer to that, everything. Everything that is me is wrong. I'm just a nothing. Worhtless. Gross. Ugly. Disgusting. 

I let out another sob and wipe my eyes again. Why can't I just be normal? I wish I was average and not the ugly thing I am now. I'm so disgusting. I should just die. I should just not excist anymore. I should just close my eyes and never open them again. It's not like anyone would care. I'm sure people will be relieved that I'm gone. 

I swing my legs out of my bunk and decide to stop thinking before I do something stupid, like relapsing. I've been clean for 3 weeks now and I want to make it further than that. I walk to the bathroom and lock the door. I sit on the toilet and grab the rubber band that is on my wrist. I snap it a few times to relieve some pain and sigh. The tears stop flowing and I stand up. I look in the mirror, my face looks fucked up. My eyes are still red, my face is sweaty, my hair is stuck to my forehead, my mouth is open, because I'm breathing heavily. I grab some toilet paper and blow my nose. I turn to the long mirror we have in the bathroom and take my shirt of. I grab at my fat and feel disgusted. I stand on the scale and see that I weight 132 pounds. I quickly step of and go to the toilet. I sit on my knees and push two fingers to the back of my throat. I'm so fat. I have to be skinnier. I'm so ugly. I feel the food I ate today coming up. I purge everything in the toilet and flush. I throw my shirt back on, brush my teeth and wipe the tears from the purging away. 

I look at myself one more time, disgusted and walk out of the bathroom and to the back of the bus to the boys. I first quickly grab my phone from my bunk. I open the door to the boys and look down at my bare feet. I feel everyone staring at me, but I just sit down next to Calum, who isn't playing right now. I feel him snuggling up to me and he wraps his arms around my waist. "What's up Lukey?" He asks and I shrug. "Just feeling tired." I say and look at him. He looks at me with puppy eyes. "I can see something is bugging you Luke, now tell me what's up." He whispers. This is my chance, this is my only chance to change something, do I take it? I take a deep breath and yes I'm taking this chance. "Can I talk to you Cal, alone?" I whisper back and tears are already in my eyes. "Of course babe." Calum stands up and grabs my hand, leading me to the bunks. "Where are you guys going? Luke's just here and it's your turn next." Michael says and him and Ashton are looking up. Their game paused. "Take our turn, we'll be back soon." Calum says and drags me to his bunk. He climbs in and I climb in after him. I sit cross legged and I look at my hands who are lying in my lap. Calum's across from me, also sitting cross legged. He's looking at me. "Luke what's wrong?" He asks and I feel the first tear go down my cheek. I can't tell him. He would hate me even more. He would think I'm crazy. "I-I can't tell you, you will h-hate me." I mutter and I tears are flowing fast over my cheeks. I wipe them away and I feel arms wrap around me. "I would never hate you Luke, you're one of my best mates!" He says and I sob. "Don't lie to me Calum, please don't do that to me." I sob out. "I'm telling the truth Lucas, I love you so much and I will always do ok?" He lays his head in my neck, giving me quick kisses on my neck. I nod and wipe my eyes again. "Can you know tell me what's up Lukey, I just want you to be happy." I nod again and take a deep breath before I talk.

I tell Calum everything. I tell him that I'm pansexual, that I hate myself, that I cut myself, that I think I'm really fat and that I purge and that I feel really suicidal lately. After I say everything I had to say and Calum takes everything in, he just hugs me and we both cry our eyes out. "I'm so sorry Lukey, I had no idea." He cries in my neck and I feel my shirt getting soaked, but I don't care. "It isn't your fault Cal, I should've talked to you earlier." I cry. Calum pulls away and looks me in the eyes. "Go lie down." He says and I'm confused but do as he says. When I'm laid down Calum sits in between my legs. He pushes my shirt up a bit, but I quickly push it back down. "Please don't." I plead and Calum looks concerned. "You need to trust me Luke, it will be ok, I love you remember." I nod and close my eyes, not wanting to see my ugly stomach. Calum pushes my shirt up again and I hear him gasp. Probably because I'm so fat. I feel his fingertips ghosting over my ribs, who are clearly sticking out. After a few moments I feel warm lips against my stomach, just above my bellybutton. "You're so beautiful." He says and his lips are on another place on my stomach. "You're worth every second of my time." His lips going to another place again. "I'm so glad I got to meet you." He does this for a few minutes, kissing my stomach and saying sweet things. When he stops I look at him and tears are again streaming down face on the pillow. Calum looks at me and smiles. He comes up to me and gives my cheek a kiss. "It's all going to be ok Lukey." He lays down next to and I snuggle into him. He puts his hand around my waist and draws patterns on my hip. "You're so beautiful Luke, please know that I love you." He says and I can hear him cry again. "I love you too Cal, I'm sorry." I say and pull him even closer. "Shhh it's ok babe, just go to sleep now." He says and I close my eyes. In no time I'm asleep and for the first time in ages I'm dreaming about how everything is going to be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really bad at these writing things.  
> Please leave kudos if you liked it and tell me what you thought.


End file.
